One of the things that consistently confuses me is my own sexuality.

I don’t have much experience with any kind of sexual behaviour or relationships at all.  I can count on one hand the number of people I’ve felt strongly attracted to. I’ve been in love once, I think, a long time ago right near the beginning of puberty, and there wasn’t really a sexual element to that at all. I was in one relationship, years ago, that was slow-moving and confused, and never went past kissing, and I eventually worked out that I wasn’t attracted to my boyfriend and we broke up.

The thing is, when I was thirteen I went onto an antidepressant that completely suppressed libido as a side-effect, and it wasn’t until I was seventeen and a half, when I changed medications, that I experienced any kind of desire at all. I got nervy and fluttery around people sometimes, before that, and I occasionally got a crush on someone, but I wasn’t interested that way. I can remember being 17 and watching the 2005 series of Doctor Who, and thinking that the Doctor and Rose had what was my idea of a perfect relationship – they were clearly in love with each other, and their worlds revolved around each other, but the most they ever did was hold hands.

So, after going all through high school without that kind of interest, it was kind of a shock to suddenly have any kind of sexuality at all, especially when it became apparent that it wasn’t limited to the opposite sex. I noticed girls’ cleavage and legs, and sometimes noticed men I found good-looking. It took adjusting to.

I was very confused. I dated a boy for a while, but neither of us had any experience, and it was very awkward and slow-moving. We kissed a bit, but it wasn’t something I enjoyed, and I eventually came to the conclusion that I wasn’t attracted to him at all. To date, this remains my only experience of kissing.

It was very rarely I felt anything at all strong for anyone, though. Five years ago I got a crush on a girl I worked with, and was strongly attracted to her (for me, at least) but as far as I know the desire didn’t really extend to actual sex – although both my emotions and my awareness of physical sensation tend to be scrambled and difficult for me to identify, because of my Asperger Syndrome – being burnt, for example, by something hot, is something I often notice sort of distantly, or don’t notice at all – so I suppose it’s possible that I did feel sexual desire, but it got lost somewhere. 

I still get crushes on people, but when I do, what I want to do is be their friend, and hang around them, and be a part of their lives that they consider valuable. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to kiss them, out of curiosity, but it’s not overwhelming or anything.

For half the year I don’t feel any desire at all, or not much, not until the weather gets to at least 25 degrees celsius, and when I do, it’s not – it’s not especially strong. It’s there, on a low level, with stronger desire for a few days each month, but it usually pales next to anything else more interesting. I do find people attractive, but it’s almost an aesthetic appreciation at times. I think, anyway - I’m often confused about how I’m feeling, especially physically. I fantasise sometimes, and read novels with sex scenes in them, but would that translate to actual interest if I were in a real-life sexual situation? Considering my aversion to touch, I really don’t know.

All I really know is that I’m 23 years old, I experience inconsistent desire, and it’s always been inconsistent, am attracted to men and women but am more likely to crush on women, can feel crushes without any real desire – more an appreciation of a person’s attractiveness – only feel strong desire maybe half a dozen times a year, and have never had enough experience with any kind of sexual behaviour to accurately gauge what my sexual preferences really are. I can’t help thinking, though, that if I really wanted it – if I was particularly interested – that I would have found a way to have it by now. A lot of the time desire is more of a distraction than anything else, and I don’t really understand the desire in other people to shag all the time. I feel wistful when I think about relationships, and I do think it would be nice to kiss people and have sex, if only to find out how I feel. What I do feel of desire tends to be more a free-floating frustration and want that’s not attached to anyone or anything in particular. It’s just there.

Of course, it could be that if I had an actual person, actually touching me, then I would find the whole thing more fulfilling. I’d like to have the chance to find out. But honestly? Not much chance of that. I’m socially awkward, and I know I don’t send out the right signals for any kind of receptivity, and when other people express interest, I usually don’t have any interest in them. And I wouldn’t have sex, even just as an experiment, with someone I didn’t know well and trust, nor with anyone who would have expectations afterwards – because what if it turned out I didn’t like it, or it was one of those things my body likes but I’m not properly connected to?

I guess, when you come down to it, I’m sexually frustrated, a bit, but I don’t feel any kind of overwhelming need to have sex or anything, and I don’t know whether I would actually want it with another person, or if I just have a kind of general desire that’s more comfortable for me than sex would be.

I just wish I knew for certain, about attraction and sexuality and all that, instead of having this vague jumbled-up confusion of questions and curiosity about myself. But I think certainty would only come with sexual experience, and I’m not really in any position to get that.

Sorry for this post. It just helps, sometimes, to put down all my thoughts and put them out there, if something’s bothering me or confusing me. It clarifies the issue for me. I know a lot of other Asperger people have similar confusion, but, yeah. I don’t suppose anyone else out there has been in the same boat and can offer me advice?

Follow up post: Asexuality